Gretchen Scruby

Discovering the beauty amid life's joy, trials, and pain. Isaiah 61:3

It hasn’t been the month I hoped it would be after sharing my word for the year, embrace. Instead of welcoming this month with open arms, I’ve been grasping for glimpses of joy. On February 14th Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School faced a horrific tragedy. You’ve probably seen or heard the heart-breaking story. This high …

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Moment by Moment

January 26, 2016


I’m familiar with the saying “take it day by day.” A couple of weeks ago was one of those weeks where it was more like “take it moment by moment.” This week comes every year and doesn’t seem to get any easier. My family faces the anniversaries of loss of three family members. Sunday, January 10th my Aunt passed away 14 years ago; Friday, January 15th my dad passed away two years ago; Sunday, January 16th my brother passed away six years ago. Also that week is filled with one of the best days for our family; January 11th 3 years ago I picked up my sweet daughter and became her foster mom. The emotions that this week brings definitely resemble a roller coaster ride, and not one with a big incline then a massive drop and you coast through the rest of the ride. It’s more like one that starts off fast, whips you around, spins you upside down and you finally come to a screeching halt back at the station.

I’m filled with comfort knowing my family members are saved and together in heaven. One day we will all be together. “But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. And we are eagerly waiting for him to return as our Savior.” Philippians 3:20. I’m filled with peace and excitement that this year is the first year our daughter is legally ours! I’m filled with sadness because these days remind me of where I was each of the moments when I lost such important people in my life.

I’m filled with an urgency to pray! To pray for my grandma who has to face this month remembering the loss of two of her children and her grandson. To pray for my cousins who have had to endure 14 years without their mama. To pray for my mom who has to face the sad anniversary of the loss of her sister-in-law, her husband, and her son in one week. To pray for all the foster children coming into the foster care system and being removed from the family they know. I pray for foster parents, whose story didn’t end like ours, and they have to say goodbye to babies and kids they loved like their own, and trust God will protect them when the situation they’re going to may look uncertain.

I’m also filled with tears that well up in my eyes and I often hold back until I find those few quiet moments that I can unleash the flood gates. I’m filled with hope because I don’t have to carry this sadness alone, and because this fallen world filled with loss, sadness, hurt, and pain is not the end. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4.

So what do you do with one of the saddest months, weeks, days or moments of your year? I find things to be thankful for. I try to enjoy the normal of our family’s daily life. I cherish the sweet memories and special moments of my lost loved ones. I create special new memories with my loved ones who are still with me. A couple Saturdays ago my mom, mom-in-love, and I took my three kids and two of their cousins to the circus. As I sat with my daughter who was completely amazed and curious, I remembered three years ago bringing her to the circus. The day after my oldest son and I picked her up and brought her home we had tickets to the circus. My husband was coming home from a mission trip in the Bahamas, and he wasn’t able to keep her.

One of the things about being a foster parent is it’s a beautiful interruption. You don’t know when you will get a call, how long the child will stay, or how hard it will be to say goodbye. My daughter is the fifth foster child we have cared for. Each situation is unique and beautifully complex. Another thing a foster parent faces, especially with other children, is life goes on. Sometimes you get a few days to adjust and other times its full speed ahead with a new little member of your family. Off we went to the circus – my mom, my mom-in-love, my cousin, my two boys, this sweet 5 month old foster baby girl, and four of their cousins. The day was more hectic then planned, but all the kids had fun and we made it through!

Here I sat three years later with this same beautiful little girl who has grown up so much. She now not only gives hugs, she squeezes and won’t let go. She not only speaks she looks you in the face and talks a lot! She isn’t afraid to grab your hand or sit on your lap when she gets a little nervous or anxious. We made it through the whole arena with her holding mommy’s hand and not making a run for it. You see our sweet girl has come so far, but has some more obstacles to overcome. She has challenges that we are still learning to help her through. We are truly grateful to be chosen to be her mommy and daddy and have the privilege to learn to be the parents she needs us to be. That night I was humbled, over-joyed, and thankful remembering the journey from foster mom to forever mommy!

Another sweet memory I have from 2014 is sitting in a court room in October 2014 at another court date for our foster baby girl. The judge was setting the date for the next hearing. A hearing we wouldn’t be allowed to attend. This hearing would decide if our case would move toward adoption. The judge announced the date and the tears started flowing. My husband took my hand and knew why I was crying. The date was set for January 15, 2015. That was the one year anniversary of my dad passing away. How fitting it was that especially with us not being able to attend the court date, it was set for that date. My dad and our sweet girl had such a special bond. She is one of the few people who could make him smile as he neared the end of his battle with cancer. My dad is the one who assured me from his hospital bed that this sweet girl wasn’t going anywhere and he knew she was staying in our family. God could’ve chosen any day in 2015 to set that hearing. But He chose January 15th to remind me that He’s involved in all the details of my life. And He’s involved in every detail of your life too. “The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.” Psalm 37:23. As you may have guessed, on January 15, 2015 her case moved to an adoption status. This meant we were ready to begin the adoption process. Her case that had been going slowly, with numerous set-backs, was now full steam ahead. Her adoption was finalized on March 30, 2015. The day before my husband’s birthday; another sweet reminder that God’s into special dates and memories just like me.

What else do you do during one of the most difficult months, weeks, days, or moments that youl’l face throughout the year? You face the difficulties that come with daily life and give yourself grace because little things bother you and may seem harder to complete then normal. You say “I’m Sorry!” when you miss your son’s chapel and he tells you he was sad when you didn’t make it. I thought he understood when daddy took him to school instead of mommy that day that I wouldn’t be there. But my sweet six year old just remembered me saying I’d be there. But I wasn’t. I was at my dad and brother’s grave sites having a good cry in the rain that morning before I went to work. I do know where I will be this week with my sweet 6 year old on chapel day. You celebrate life events, even when you don’t feel like celebrating. We went to my husband’s aunt’s birthday dinner. You make waffles! My aunt didn’t want a cake but waffle sundaes. I made waffles, but not just any waffles, the Amazon Pioneer Woman waffles. She happens to be one of my aunt’s favorite people! Once we made it to dinner we had fun and really enjoyed our night. However there have been a few years it was just too hard to go. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve. But please don’t allow yourself to stay there and miss out on life events God has planned for you to enjoy. Also when the rain clears and the kids are blessed with a day off from school you go to the park and ride a bike!

Also I take a lot of pictures! (In case you hadn’t noticed.) I have always taken a lot of pictures, and it doesn’t matter the event. My daughter now also loves taking pictures and I’ll find many on my phone that she took. There are random photos of her toys, our dog, her brothers, and random household objects. Sadly, my mom has to endure that fact that as the years go on there aren’t any new or more pictures of my brother.  This is a hard thing for her to deal with – especially on this tragic anniversary. It has been six years since his passing and although every year we are closer to reaching eternity and being together, the reality here on earth is there are less and less moments that include him. I also didn’t realize how difficult that would be to accept this year. These are the moments when trusting God’s timing is much bigger than our reality. Mom and I know one day this will make sense, but it doesn’t right now. “Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:5. We cried and looked at the old pictures we do have and allowed ourselves to be sad for a moment.

I learned a lot during the past few days and weeks. Whether it is in a painful trial, a loving discipline moment from my Heavenly Father, or through His grace that I don’t deserve! God is always teaching me something.

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I learned even more that grief is a lonely road and it is unique to each person. My mom’s deep, deep grief isn’t my grief and I can’t carry it for her. Just like my mom can’t take away mine.

I learned how thankful I am for the encouragement, kindness, and prayers of those around me. I am blessed with compassionate women in my life who took the time to reach out to me on this sad anniversary.

I learned there are also people I didn’t hear from who I thought would have reached out during this difficult time. I am growing in this area and trying not to take it personally.

I learned more so that Jesus has to be first! No matter how lonely I feel He is always there. “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20b

I have been on both sides of this equation; times in my life that I was too busy, to nervous, or to worried about me to reach out to a friend during a difficult time. I was reminded I have to forgive myself and others. “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard.” Romans 3:23. We all blow it sometimes and are constantly in need of God’s grace.

On the weekend of these sad anniversaries, I prayed about the moments I missed being there for others. I realized and acknowledged that no matter who took the time to reach out to me the grief and hurt is still there. But I also realized that when someone does takes the time to reach out through a text, card, phone call, etc. It helps lift your burden, the burden doesn’t go away but it gets lighter! Maybe you aren’t in a trial right now but you know someone who is. Taking the time to reach out with a few simple words, “I am thinking of you.” I am praying for you.” “I am sorry you’re going through this.” They mean more then you can imagine. God created each of us differently and it might not come easy to reach out in a difficult moment. God is always with us and has given each of us what we need to put other’s first. We are created to love God first and love each other. “Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Matthew22:37-39.

My prayer for you –

“God I pray for those reading this who are hurting. They are carrying grief they didn’t know was so deep, Lord be their comfort, strength, and peace. Bless them with godly friends to walk them through their difficult time. I pray for those You are calling to walk someone through a difficult time. Lord give them Your wisdom and peace. Father, may we all go deeper in knowing You, putting ourselves aside and following You whole heartedly. Forgive us for the times we become too busy or distracted to spend time with You. Help us allow You to lead our lives, for Your way is perfect! In Jesus name, Amen!”

 

Grief we meet again…

October 21, 2015

I mentioned in my previous post about the staged rooms set up for viewing different life events at the UNSHAKEN Conference. (For more on this conference, please see my previous post) The room pictured at the top of this page is the “room” labeled GRIEF. This is a “room” I know all too well, (I honestly wish I was more uncomfortable with grief). Yet in the bitter sweet moments of grief where you can see God bringing something good out of the pain, it’s a blessing you would not experience without the suffering. Being able to appreciate the blessing doesn’t make the grief any easier, but it shifts my focus heavenward.

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I often say grief ministry is one of those ministries you don’t ask to be a part of. However grief is a part of life; there is no getting around it. 1 Peter 2:21 (NLT) tells us – To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. Whether you experience the loss of a loved one, a marriage ending, loss of a job, a season change or location change, grief will come. Sometimes it’s grief that smacks you in the face, takes your breath away, and stops you motionless in your tracks. Other times it’s a slow process you are walking in or waiting for, but can’t fully understand until you and grief meet head on. Why???- is one word with a great deal behind it….And although you might find some reasons this side of heaven,  what I’ve learned is that most of my questions won’t be answered until I get to heaven. This is when I fully understood “cry out to the Lord,” it’s coming from a place deep with-in that is filled with much more than words leaving my lips. Crying out to God in grief and painful moments are usually accompanied by tears, emptiness and even shaking. Have you experienced this? If so, then you have felt the type of comfort only Jesus can give when you truly reach for Him. Psalm 18:6 reminds us; But in my distress I cried out to the LORD; yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry to Him reached his ears.

Recently the Lord placed on my heart to read Levi Lusko’s new book, Through the Eyes of a Lion, an amazing book! I saw someone post about it on social media and wanted to check it out. That night the Lord knocked on my heart and said, “read it now.”  I said “OK Lord. I will get it this week and begin.”  Again,” READ IT NOW!”; I thought wow I have to download this book. I began reading it on my iPad as soon as it downloaded. I heard Pastor Levi speak at a southeastern pastor’s conference over a year ago and was somewhat familiar with his story. As I read I recognized Levi’s transparency, honesty and most of all his desire for pointing people to Jesus. After the great loss his family suffered I could see this was their mission. It kept me reading, then fear set in, Lord “WHY, am I reading this?” Please don’t be preparing me for the unthinkable as a parent. I watch my mom walk through this life carrying this unimaginable grief and it is difficult to bear. I began praying for my kids, especially my 5 year old, the same age as their beautiful daughter who went to heaven. I could sense the fear rising and yet couldn’t stop reading. I realized this fear was not from the Lord and began praying against the attacks. Finally a few chapters in and after prayer time I finally fell asleep.

In the days following I continued devouring “Through the Eyes of a Lion.” I am a slow reader and must admit I do not finish all the books I start. I COULD NOT put this down! I prayed for this family, had lots of “WHY?” conversations with God, and prayed through my own fears while reading this book. I also began planning “my moment” to post my #EyesofaLion picture. Many who know me understand I LOVE pictures, hashtags, and anything creative. In this book the challenge came to post your picture reading this book and mark it #EyesofaLion. I began following this on Instagram and people are reading this book during chemo treatments, in hospitals, enjoying beautiful places, on mountains, and many, many more amazing places / moments.  I thought – OH when I get the book and the Lord reveals to me “my” spot I cannot wait to add my mark to this group of warriors who are posting their moments. Those who want to see this life more heavenly-minded then earthly-focused, while carrying the battle scars of life.

But that’s not where my moment came; it came in Starbucks, before work, and reading on my Ipad. In Chapter 9, Homesickness, An Ache You Can’t Shake, there it hit me. Grief came bubbling up like a volcano and my eyes began to fill with hot tears. This chapter began with a military man on his way home from a deployment. (I will not give away the story, because I do encourage you to read this book.) I will share that for me anything military is a trigger of the grief I carry deep with-in. My younger brother was in the Air Force and completed 3 tours in Afghanistan / Iraq. I remember praying him off and celebrating his homecomings. He was set to get out of the military and return to Florida and begin his civilian life. About a month before he was supposed to return home for good he was killed by a drunk driver in a hit-and-run accident. All those nights wondering if he was ok while overseas were supposed to be over, but God had different plans. David was called to his eternal home, at the age of 25, much sooner then I would’ve liked.

Sitting in Starbucks that morning unprepared for the emotion this chapter dug up, the words – “His sister looked so proud of her brother in uniform,” jumped off the page and punched me in the stomach! In that moment I knew God saw me and my pain. He was there for me to catch every tear that fell. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. “ Psalm 56:8  This pastor writing about his families deepest pain and he adds a couple of pages about a military man and his homecoming. “Lord, that was for me. But WHY? I have been carrying this grief for over 5 years.”

I finally composed myself as best I could, and finished the chapter. I prayed that I could function at work after after my stop-you-in-your-track grieving moment with God. You see this moment didn’t bring up fear or even anxiety, it brought up buried pain that I carry daily. As hard as it was, I knew it was a “good” cry and the Lord was reminding me for a reason. This was not how I planned or where I pictured my #throughtheeyesofalion moment occurring, but that’s just when God reminds us He is in control and has a plan. (Jeremiah 29:11) Yes I snapped my picture and it is at the bottom of the page.

This is not where the Lord left me either, sitting at Starbucks paralyzed by my grief, but He used it in the coming days and weeks. I will share more about this next time. God doesn’t want to leave you where you are either, with buried pain you didn’t realize was still there or maybe pain you’ve never dealt with. He wants to mend your broken places and use you to reach others for His glory. Will you allow Him in a little deeper?

“This is what the Lord, the God of your ancestor David, says: I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you,” 2 Kings 20:5

Sometimes your moment comes when you least expect it. #EyesofaLion

Sometimes your moment comes when you least expect it.
#EyesofaLion

 

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