In my previous post I shared about living with overwhelming grief and how it rushed over me like a tidal wave, even years after the initial loss. That day sitting in Starbucks my particular next step was a big one! I had to decide to pull myself together and function that Thursday morning. I had plenty to do that day, although I really wanted to go home, crawl in bed, and speak to no one. However, that wasn’t what I NEEDED to do. Sometimes it’s important to take a break, refresh, and allow yourself time to heal. That Thursday morning I knew I needed to continue on with my day. The next step of getting up and facing the day with red and puffy eyes, a screaming headache, and the desire to do nothing was difficult. Sometimes the actual next step in your life is the hardest. Maybe you need to put something down that has been getting you through your days, but isn’t healthy for you. Or perhaps you need to stop running on empty and the Lord is telling you that your next step is a day of rest. One way or another, we need to be in tune with our heavenly Father and realize what the best next step is. “Remember your promise to me; it is my only hope. Your promise revives me; it comforts me in all my troubles.” Psalm 119: 49-50
That night I was home with my 2 youngest children, my husband was teaching the men’s study at church, and my oldest was at his grandparents working on a social studies project. As I sat with my little ones, I enjoyed toddler life for a moment. It isn’t often that we delight in a quiet house with just us 3, and I could have missed it if I had checked out for the day. When my oldest got home we worked on his project on the computer. I was NEEDED that night and you are too. I could have asked my mom to miss her small group that night or called a babysitter, but that wasn’t the best decision. Maybe you don’t have children at home and you’re thinking no one cares if I checkout. I promise you God cares and if you allow Him, He will place people in your life who NEED you in theirs. They can learn from both your trials and your joyful moments. You must to be open to letting people in! The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever. Psalm 121:8 That night I did have some quiet time before going to sleep and another good cry! As a matter of fact, I cried a lot in the next week and a half, and I was comforted in knowing that the Lord saw every tear.
Three days after my Starbucks moment, my husband had the privilege of officiating a funeral. Yes I say privilege because it is a privilege to share someone’s life story and remind their family and friends of the hope we have in heaven. I was late getting to the service and sat in the back of the church, just in front of a sweet woman who works and serves at our church. Funerals are hard for me. My brother is not the only loss my family has suffered in the past few years, and going to a funeral still reminds me of the deep loss that I carry. This woman I learned about had a beautiful life and she was honored. Then toward the end of the service, the music started and so did my tears.
I had a conversation with God that afternoon. I was very much struggling with my brother’s death. I didn’t get to see my brother walk out his faith, although I did walk up front with him at church and hear him say the sinner’s prayer. My dad passed away from cancer almost 2 years ago and I have this peace about knowing where he is, and that he isn’t suffering anymore. I don’t always have this with my brother. The enemy likes to get in my head and question my confidence in the knowledge that he is with the Lord. I began telling the Lord- “I wish I had that peace with David that I do with my dad. If you could just show me he’s ok I would be so thankful.” The song ended and my husband concluded the service and I sat there grateful. Grateful that I can pour my doubt at my Savior’s feet, even if I’ve done it before. My God is big enough for all my doubt and fears.
After the service ended I spoke with the sweet lady sitting behind me. She informed me she had a dream the other night – a dream about my brother. And she saw his face shining with a huge smile! I couldn’t believe. This sweet angel never met my brother because he was in the military and spent so much time overseas. She served at his service and has been a prayer warrior for my family ever since. God spoke to me that day. He used an angel who I wouldn’t have been sitting near had I been on time. HE is good all the time, especially in the midst of our fears, doubt, and brokenness. This sweet angel is going through grief of her own. She recently became a widow and is living with deep personal grief. But she didn’t allow that to stop her from sharing that day.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.
“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.
For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so my ways are higher than your ways
and my thoughts higher than your thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9) The Lord gave me this verse shortly after my brother’s passing. I have memorized it and referred back to it many times over the last 5 years. God has a purpose and a plan for your pain. He wants to use your story to reach others. It is healthy to grieve while being open and honest with God. But not moving forward from your pain is unhealthy. One of the best ways I can honor my dad and brother is to keep living. My family makes an effort to keep their memory alive in everyday life, as well as special days. We also continue living and enjoying this life we have been blessed with. If you feel “stuck” right now and don’t know if you can make the next step, laying down a difficult relationship, or living with the loss of a loved one, then trusting God to provide when you don’t see how and believing His ways truly are higher will go a long way to your healing. I encourage you to not loose heart and hold onto hope. Have a “real” conversation with your Creator; He knows what you are thinking anyway.
I have been listening to this song on repeat lately, Enjoy!!!
Gretchen Scruby 